Sepia Tones

Tripp and his mother and me tumbled outside into the gentle fall morning to play soccer. When his sneakered feet hit the grass, damp with dew, Tripp's small back stiffened and he looked down.

"In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1," his mother joked, watching for his reaction.

"Oh, it's wet, " Tripp declared, but then he was off racing in circles like a puppy, darting and weaving.

"Catch me!" he shouted.

"I'm gonna GET you!" I bellowed, chasing him, scooping up his joyous squealing body and spinning him in circles.

"Let's play in the driveway," I suggested.

Tripp ran and ran, kicking the soccer ball with either foot up the slope of the driveway and down.

"Goal!" he shouted, or "I DID it!"

"You did it!" we yelled.

He avoided a particularly treacherous looking corner of the driveway where the soccer ball inevitably rolled, where a clump of menacing yellow maple leaves had drifted, their glistening wetness posing an inexplicable threat to a boy of three.

"Get it, Beauma!" he demanded pointing to the ball centimeters away.

To demonstrate my athleticism, I trapped the ball with my feet and jumped, flipping the ball toward him.

"Okay, never do that again," said my daughter, bent at the waist and snorting.

"That hurt my feelings," Tripp said sorrowfully.

"But, why," I asked, snorting myself. "Why did it hurt your feelings?"

"They're talking about feelings at school," my daughter clarified.

"I have to go pretty soon," I said to Tripp.

"Why?" he asked.

"I have to drive all the way back to Vermont."

"But, not right now."

"No, we can play a bit more first, and then you can wave to me from the steps the way you always do."

"Okay, Beauma. Watch me!"

*

Driving along the lane to my mother's house, I come upon the small wheelchair procession. Mom is swaddled in a blanket, a brown fringed shawl wrapped around her shoulders. I roll down my window as the three women approach the car.

"It's your daughter, Mrs. Victor," Lynn says, her long blonde hair tumbling over her face as she bends down close to my mother's ear.

"It's Amy," I hear Liz the nurse prompt.

My heart lurches.

"Hi, Mom! I smile and eagerly search her eyes for a glimpse of recognition, finding confusion, vacuity.

Back at the house, Liz brings me an aluminum chair with a pink seat then disappears, while Lynn shuffles boxes in the garage.

I sit near my mother in the sun. I touch her still, soft hand. I rest my hand on her arm. I rub her back. 

"Oh, hi," she says.

Her head droops as she dozes. I weep silently, wishing to reclaim the past as it was and as I wish it had been.

"I love you, Mom," I say. I kiss the top of her head. We sit together in the warm sun. I've been asking myself to remain open and curious about this winding down of a full, full life. I want to capture this moment in the sun, the pale golden leaves fluttering down around us, the two of us.

*